This month is full, we’re trying and trying to make things up financially while we can. We have the opportunity to work a lot, leaving only four hours of time when Alder needs to be watched a week. It’s a hard juggling act but it’s bringing us closer to our goals in terms of Kevin’s business. Basically we get a few lunches a week together, it sounds bad but the other option involves Kevin going back to overnights which is even worse. The nice thing about the schedule is that even on the days that I work I still can spend most of the day with Alder doing things.

Still life feels all surface-y, like when ever I start to do anything I can only get to a little bit of it before we’re moving on to the next thing. The past few days Alder has been complaining that he didn’t have “a really big day”.  To me it feels like were going nonstop from the moment we get up until we collapse onto the floor (lately Alder is literally falling asleep on the living room floor when he’s tired at the end of the day). I can’t tell if it feels that way to him because we are doing so much and nothing too deeply, or if it is just the summer and he really just needs to run for hours.

Either way the issues go further than him, I’m feeling so scattered that all my good ideas seem to get translated into poorly done projects. We are only a week into this month and I feel like I am needing a big breath already. I’m trying to declutter the house, organize our files, work on Kevin’s business, and make the house pretty on top of everything. Maybe I should let something go, but if I’m ever going to have some peace I need to have a peaceful space. I would love to rid the house of cardboard boxes of clothes, and books, and picture frames. Not to just arbitrarily get rid of them but have a place for all those things, and if we don’t actually need them to send them on their way.

What I really want is calmness. I want all of us to slow down, do fewer things and let them fill more time. I want the pile of projects that Alder and I started to get worked on, I want to have the focus of mind to do things with Alder that don’t just involve going places and seeing thing. I want to get rid of all cartoon episodes and two-thirds of the time I spend on the computer. I want pretty curtains and the right color paint for the table I am refinishing…not to mention an afternoon to paint it.