here and there

Right now I want to be in two places caring for two people. My love is limited by the miles, I can not see how I can leave my aunt but also I can not be without Alder or Kevin. I know I have to go back if only for a while. Let me be clear I love Denver and want to live there, it’s just right now all I want to do is take care of my aunt, but I am a mother and really that trumps everything.

I went for a long walk this afternoon through the neighborhoods my grandmother grew up in. I find solace in the mystery of a past that is so close to me but untouchable. The streets that she lived on are now Chinatown but many of the buildings remain. I walked looking up pretending that there were no cars, no plastic signs, that I hear Yiddish not Chinese. I think if it had been a little warmer I could have slipped into that world of a century ago.

But really it is all a distraction, from the great shifts in reality I am dealing with. The sort of shifts that makes me wish we lived in Brooklyn not Denver so we might be closer to all the people I love, to the people who I would do anything for. Anything, except I have to be 2,000 miles away. It is never easy leaving here, even though I yearn for Alder and Kevin and the quiet and calm of our life, but I leave with such guilt. After all I am a good Jewish girl.

I will be back here soon, to spend time selfishly with my aunt, because even if I am giving her comfort I know two thirds of why I do it is for me to sop up every last bit of her that I can. The same way we always sit around after the meat is gone taking the crusts of bread to the juices that are on the cutting board. All of us around the table, talking, the fire dying across the room. To be there one more time all of us in “the big red house” all together.

I have much more to say but I have lost my words right now.