Thaw

Icicle found during a weekend hike with Alder
Before I met Kevin I lived alone in one of the oldest houses in Durango. It was three room place that I had to go into the basement and tighten the jacks once a week. There was a slant to the floor that would send a ball rolling from the front door through the entire house to bathroom. But it was mine alone and I treasured that. On the walls of my bedroom I had created a collage/painting of bits and pieces of my life and my beliefs. There were quotes from people like Dolores La Chappelle and Ansel Adams, post cards from traveling friends, and an altar at the foot of my bed.

Every night before bed I would sit in front of the altar and move the pieces a bit here and there until they felt harmonious to me. Each piece had a significance in my life, a shell, a box, a bone each one had a story. Once I moved in with Kevin my altar moved to a dresser top (out of reach of a roommates dog). Though each of our moves my dresser top has been my space where there was a little order in my life, an anchor in the midst of the chaos that seems to follow me. But since we’ve moved to this apartment my dresser has become a depository for things, there are hair clips and board books, a sailboat and a toy rake, a basket with keys change and receipts but no altar.

Every night as I get ready for bed I look at my dresser and tell myself that I will clean it the next day, but I haven’t. Tomorrow I will. This isn’t just another idle threat I have to I need to bring more order to this life I am in. Despite all the constant changes and uncertainty we are living with right now we still have to function on a daily level and part of that comes from being fully ourselves. For me I need to have this space for me, a place where I can control it’s elements. But this push forward isn’t just for a clean dresser or a personal altar for me. Its has to do with setting a new rhythm for this family. Somewhere it was lost and we really need it we all know it.

I am all about our organic process when it is present but sometimes our life and outside influences turn it sour, then I think it is our responsibility to ourselves to find rhythm once again. So we start small, I refolded and ironed our fabric, all two shelves of it. Then I tucked Alder into bed with only two stories, lately our book before bed had multiplied to seven books and before I knew it it was getting close to nine. Last night I was so burned out Alder got himself into bed without any help, by the time I went over to see what he was doing he was asleep. While I hope to give him room to be independent going to bed on his own at two isn’t part of that. In fact I sort of took that as a real push towards change.

But it was just the final push, there have been other bits and hints. A few blogs have been inspiring me to find rhythm especially Maya and Julie. I also have been reading this and rereading this. Then there are all the grrls down at Knit or Dye who always have something going on. Everything just sort of built up and then the sun came out and it was warm and things needed to change!

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