Authors note: For the sake of this post when I discuss the progress in feminism and girl empowerment I tend to refer to it as a success, I am aware that there is still a lot that needs to be done for true equal rights to be attained by women. By success I refer to the prevalence of such programs.
He will have to navigate what it means to be a man in a changing world.
Let’s talk about the one thing that no one has said right out during the past week’s media hot topic of raising a child without gender. All the discussions I saw, talked about the effects this would have on boys. Today it is much easier for a girl to pick and chose what roles she takes than it is for a boy. It isn’t just about pink or blue, or trucks or dolls; and this is a really big deal. During the past forty years of girl empowerment we have forgotten to create a new model of what it means to be a boy/man.
Boys today are given little in terms of guidance as to what it means to be a man in a world where women are equals. They are told that they have the choice of being classic men (aggressive, silent, sports oriented) or being something in response to the changes in the role of women. But these aren’t really options because “being someone who supports women” isn’t actually a full identity for them. We have moved forward in identifying women’s roles but left a large hole in the place boys reside.
As a feminist I am raising my son to look at girls as equals. I can talk about equality and how it is not separate from embracing the feminine. But who is he. In this culture of changing attitudes towards women and empowering girls we have left boys without an identity to be proud of. All children should be able to have the chance to embrace who they are. But where are the experiences for boys to embrace their male-ness that isn’t wrapped in the worlds of sports and violence or some variation on the primal hunter. If you take the aggression away what does it mean to be male; and how can we introduce this to our boys.
I’ve struggled writing this. I know it is important but there are no words, no vocabulary to use for this. As a woman I’m not even sure that I am the right one to discuss this. But as a mother I feel that it is crucial for my son’s growth. How can I claim to be facilitating his learning if I can not give him opportunities to explore who he is?
For all the work that has been done towards creating equality for women it will not be successful until we change the role of men. The entire system needs to change before women’s equality can be realized.
Author’s request: I know most of you who read this are women, but if you know a man who you think might have some insight I would love to hear their opinions. Kevin and I have talked about this some and he has a hard time putting words to this as well.
I think about this a lot too. It is important for boys to feel valued as boys. For boys to see men valued and respected. And of course to see women respected the same way. Our society doesn’t have a place to value men for their compassion, dedication to their families, or other male traits that don’t involve dominance and strength.
We try so hard to have a ‘boys and men are good’ bubble around here. Because there is a lot of male bashing, and media is full of BAD examples who get attention for who knows what reason. And a boys and men are good not because they DENY those things which make them men. But BECAUSE of them.
I don’t want to hide or negate gender because in some way I feel like it would be telling my sons that what they are is wrong. But at the same time we avoid the stereotypes and live in our happy little place for now, and hopefully when they grow up and are around more mainstream guys or silly societally influenced behaviors, they will be confident in themselves and know they are loved and valued…as humans AND boys.
Of course along the way if my son wants pink sparkle tennis shoes or a hello kitty doll, whatever. True gender isn’t tied into dye color or marketing campaigns.
And we treat girls the same way we treat boys – hey, you wanna play tag?
This is really interesting. I am looking forward to discussing this with my sons (11 and 14) and seeing what they say on the subject.
My take: I don’t think I’m raising my sons to be particular types of *men* but, rather, particular types of *people*. I do feel I’ve given them a lot of guidance re: what it means to be a man in a world where women are equals, just by being their mother.
My husband and I have done this together, because we are equal in every way in our household and our family. We worked together in a business that I started, we do housework together, we raise children together as equals. The boys have grown up with that. I think they are feminists to the core, without us ever discussing the term or even making it a political issue. It’s a personal issue. It’s just what they know. They are extreme believers in fairness.
The “genderless” child Storm is being raised in a media spotlight — I don’t think that’s ideal for giving children full access to their choices of who they want to be. My boys are raised far, far from the spotlight with parents who allow them to explore every facet of themselves and their interests and who they are — won’t that go further toward helping them express their true selves? I wouldn’t want the attention of a world riveted on me while I went through the long process of figuring myself out.
“[W]here are the experiences for boys to embrace their male-ness that isn’t wrapped in the worlds of sports and violence or some variation on the primal hunter[?]” But .. they are male. Is it something that needs to be embraced? I am female but I don’t think I think about it much, let alone embrace it. I don’t wear makeup or sequins (some of my best friends do), but I don’t feel any less feminine. I simply *am* female. I am strong, intelligent, intellectual, argumentative, interested, active. And I’m female. My boys are male and they are artists, writers, musicians, thinkers, debaters. They are political, emotional, involved, interested. They have many, many experiences that don’t have anything to do with sports (neither plays sports) or violence (they both play video games) and their maleness is a part of everything they do, by definition.
“If you take the aggression away what does it mean to be male; and how can we introduce this to our boys.” Forget about aggression — everything they do is what it means to be male. Does that concept really need to be introduced? Maybe it’s easier for us because we live a life set aside from popular culture and a rigid-role-defining society, but boys who have full lives living with parents — male and female — with full lives .. who needs to tell them what it means to be male if they are male? They know that they are male, they know who they are, they know what they like to do. Maybe getting away from a crowd mentality (public school included) is all that’s needed to raise a child who is comfortable with him- or herself.
There is a sort of reverse discrimination in that idea as well — because aggression isn’t gender-specific, as my boys would happily tell you, having a very aggressive mother.
I remember wondering when my sons were smaller how it would all work out — how our choices re: how to raise them would play out as they grew up. Now they are 11 and 14 and I am lucky to be at a stage where I can relax and enjoy myself, knowing that they are intelligent, kind, involved, interested people who are living wonderful lives and doing exciting and interesting things. I can honestly say I don’t worry about gender issues at all. They have a wonderful role model in their father and — cough — a strong mother. Whatever decisions they make in life, I am confident they will be made according to their own beliefs about what they want and who they want to be. And that’s all I could ask for.
“I am female but I don’t think I think about it much, let alone embrace it. I don’t wear makeup or sequins (some of my best friends do), but I don’t feel any less feminine. I simply *am* female. I am strong, intelligent, intellectual, argumentative, interested, active.”
When I am talking about girl empowerment and women embracing their female-ness it isn’t the girl-y things but the strength and power of being a woman (think Girls Inc or New Moon). These are places where girls are shown to be strong and proud of their uniqueness. But while the girls are given these “places to find this boys aren’t given all the same supported environments to be proud of themselves. Of course all the statistics I could find refer to education, employment and incarceration when it comes to men.
As a woman who grew up during the early years of these sorts of programs (I am pre take your daughter to work) I had some chances to see, and even help create some of these programs. But the same emotional support for boys wasn’t around. In fact emotional and boy didn’t really go in the same sentence unless it was in an IEP..
I have more to say on all of this, thus the part one.
“When I am talking about girl empowerment and women embracing their female-ness it isn’t the girl-y things but the strength and power of being a woman…”
this is what i was attempting to say re: being a male .. that it isn’t about the sports and violence, it’s about the entire spectrum of being a man, and the person should define the gender .. something like that. ;^)
the push in the 70s seemed to be for both boys and girls .. the whole “boys can play with dolls” and men taking on more traditionally female jobs around the household, including childcare. sesame street was great in that respect.
re: emotional support, i agree it’s not there (generally) from a societal/cultural point of view, although you could draw a line from those boys with dolls in the 70s through 80s androgyny (music) and on to the noughties’ celebration of geek/nerd culture and say that things are slowly shifting (and they always shift so slowly…) toward acceptance of a wider definition of what it is to be a man.
looking forward to part two! xo
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Part 2 is now up! http://echolage.wordpress.com/2011/06/23/what-went-unsaid-part-two/