I don’t know where to start

So here we are. So many months from January and the year just keeps throwing us more difficulties. Right now there is a clear path, one I don’t like but it gets us to where we want to be. It means throwing out the things I hold closest to my heart for a little while. It means changing who we feel we are. But it also means that someday soon we will the choice to do things the way we want with confidence.

It’s the boy I worry about most, because for the next year he will sit in a classroom, away from all the freedom and independence that he’s always had. While his father and I try our hardest to create the true life we want to live. To us eight months is just a little while but for him it is forever. Every bone in my body knows this is wrong for him. But my mind knows that it has to happen if we want have the rest of our lives free to do as we wish.

But for now we are following a different plan, not one of our own choosing.

I want create something; somewhat of a ramble

My camera is having some major smudge issues (not sure where else to clean) so I’m lacking for pictures in this post.

I’m brimming with creativity recently but I do not know what to do with it. I have lots of ideas but they aren’t quite right, do you even get that feeling that what you should be doing is close to what you are thinking but it needs to coalesce or gestateĀ  more before it’s worth starting.

I love this whole creative process, the way ideas come out of no where. Then they get filtered through my experiences and my influences. Finally they settle down into something I can hold onto. But early in the process it just feels like undirected energy, except there is this other feeling that lets me know it’s really the creative process not just some sort of natural high.

The trick for me is to cultivate these ideas and energies. If I just let the ideas stay in my head I get sour. Literally, I get this feeling in my mouth and body that is a mix of frustration and lemons. So I try to write down little notes. They usually look like a mix of rush sketches with tons of notes, to the point where the actual drawing are usually completely covered with the words. The problem is that my mind forms ideas fully to start out with. No conscious building of ideas just full formed stories, projects, or activities coming into my head. So much of my creative process is about back tracking and editing.

But at this point in the process it is mainly my job to record the ideas I am having and cultivating the good mood that helps me to create. Both can be hard to keep up. It’s so much easier to smile at an idea and get back to what I was doing just as it is easier to be caught up with the way every day life can get overwhelming. So I carry a little notebook, get more sleep, drink enough water, and have a good book to read.

I used to think that if I was writing I shouldn’t be reading anything because it would influence what I was writing. But without the escape of reading life can get too much, and watching movies or TV shows on netflix is a poor substitute. While staring at the screen makes me loose hours of time reading a book makes me feel more present and relaxes me. There is nothing better than reading even for just a few minutes before going to sleep. It puts me just a little further away from the reality that was my day, and sleep comes more easily (anyway it feels better to stay up too late reading than watching movies).

So that’s what has led me to spend part of this holiday sitting in a coffee shop writing notes and reading, currently it’s “52 Loaves” By William Alexander

 

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